90 day fiance inspired this post, and when I hear people talking about how they don’t understand falling in love online, let’s break this down.
Here’s another unconventional reason I haven’t heard: it’s because we can project the image of our ideal selves onto the person online. And who knows, maybe they’re doing the same thing to us. You’re online. You’ve never met this person before, and they know nothing about you. Chances are, your life is pretty bane and nothing close to extraordinary. At times, you sit back and you imagine the life you could be living at the moment, and you groan at something that reminds you, you aren’t living your ideal life. Perhaps an overdue bill is sitting at the table, you look around your basement apartment filled with empty pizza boxes from 3 weeks ago still laying around.
Then comes this online romance of yours. I’m not accusing any of the 90 day fiance cast of lying, per se… however; what I am saying is we have the natural instinct to put our best foot forward (unless you’re me--then you’ll sabotage it haha). The basement person won’t say they live in a basement apartment, they’ll exclude that. Rather, they live in a nice spacious apartment. Then one excluded piece of info, leads to a complete lie, to an identity crisis then to illusions of grandeur.
Here’s a personal example of mine:
While this wasn’t an online relationship, I did meet this man on a vacation to Hawai’i. I’ll spare you the details but fast forward to the relevant example: we pursued a long distance relationship for approximately one year. Everything he knew about me was either a lie, or exaggerated. I didn’t mean for it to happen, it just kept going. And I’ll tell you why. Because it became addictive. I realized everything he knew about me was who I wanted to be/my ideal lifestyle. (And who I actually became/the lifestyle I did turn out to have).
I had more money, I was independent, etc.. I wasn’t very independent, nor did I have very much money. I was in my late teens after all (I was 19)... But I knew that’s what I wanted real bad. And for a while, in my late teens.. I did have that… when I talked to the man who lived in Hawai’i.
The reason you ACTUALLY FALL IN LOVE?
It’s because when people in online relationships lie about their ordinary lives, and someone is admiring their “life”--it helps them escape, and it makes them feel like they matter/they exist/they stand out from the crowd. They’re not falling in love with the other person, they’ve fall in love with the fantasy version of themselves, and this person represents it. This is because you’re projecting onto the other person, and if no one else knows about your “life” it becomes exclusive to the other person, giving your mind another reason to believe the other person represents your ideal life/self.
HOW TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THIS:
Easy. Look for someone’s lacks which can then lead to their ideals. Then have that life, or; at least pretend to have that life, and give them small glimpses of it. Show them pictures, act like something big…. like lots of money is no big deal.. You get the gist. They’ll live through you, therefore they won’t have the responsibility of actually having to go out and obtain that life. This gives them room to fantasize about you. Don’t give them too much space to think, however… they’ll question you, rather than fantasize about you.